Not That Girl
by AlternativeRocker
Summary: She can't carry on like this but it hurts so much she doesn't know how to stop feeling it. Lisbon with hopes of Jane/Lisbon. Oneshot for the mentalistprompt meme.


**Authors Note: **A oneshot for the mentalistprompt fic meme. I'll get writing for the prompt tables tomorrow but needed to get this up first. :) You should take part in both these prompt challenges because they are fun and it gives you a chance to try other ideas out. Shamelessly advertising LJ communities, I know. :p Enjoy this bittersweet fic.

**Disclaimer: **Do not own characters, show or song it was prompted from, obviously.

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"_Wishing only wounds the heart" _- I'm Not That Girl, Wicked

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She had to stop. It was starting to be more than just a small crush. Now it caused her to want him close to her wherever she went and to talk to him even if it was one of those times when she would also do anything to hit him hard. At this moment she would give anything to stop feeling so strongly for her consultant but her drain wouldn't allow it to cease.

He was more or less an employee of hers but that was irrelevant considering how many cases he had solved himself compared to her track record, which, although still great was much less. Whenever Lisbon thought of it this way she cringed. One of the few things she thought she could control was who she fell for. Evidently that had been a mistake.

They had worked together for so long that she had began to realise some of the times when he was lying to her. Mostly she ignored it because usually it was better not to know everything Jane was up to. She wished she did though. She wished she knew what he thought when he was lying on that tatty, old couch; what he thought when he was in an interview room; what he thought when he looked at her.

What she would give to be able to run her hands through the professionally messed up hair he always had. Everything about him made her want him more and she knew that was impossible, for so many reasons. He would never fully get over his wife – no matter what happened in the future with Red John – and she had to face that fact. She had seen many men that she liked the look of recently but there was always a niggling part of her brain that made her resist their advances because she wanted him so much it hurt.

Lisbon sat back in her chair and covered her face with her hands. Whenever she saw him, even if it was just out the side of her line of vision, her heart and stomach did little somersaults which she couldn't stop for a very long time afterwards. Over analysing the glances, touched and smiles was taking it's toll on the once level-headed head of unit yet she didn't know how to stop the pain that had took refuge in her body. It was coming up for a year of wanting him this much and it was killing her heart more every time she looked into his eyes or heard his soft voice say something to her.

She had never felt this way about a man before so had no idea if it was normally this painful or strong. Every other partner she had been with in her life had some flaw which caused the relationships to be over in a very short space of time. Patrick Jane was the most flawed human she knew and she had already told herself on numerous occasions that she wouldn't be able to handle being too close to him but she wanted it. She wanted to feel that alive so badly. She wanted him to make her feel that alive.

He was still in love with his wife, he always would be. She understood that she could never mean as much to him. She _knew_ she couldn't be his girl but that didn't stop her dreaming or flirting when she thought she could pull it off. The dreams happened when she was asleep at night so even if she succeeded in fending off her hopes for the future then there was nothing she could possibly do to run away from her unconscious.

This was the point which she had reached and she had considered resigning or asking for a transfer but everyone would instantly realise why she had acted that way, and she would miss this place too much. The feeling had long since manifested into more than just passing lust, obviously considering she had seriously thought over throwing in the towel. She needed something more in her life though, she really did want a tender love to call her own and knew that Jane was incapable of ever being in the same place as her emotionally. It was just so sore though that it would take her time and a lot of effort to find someone who filled the gap and who she honestly could imagine being with for the rest of her life. Another somebody who could make her feel better on her down days or charm her enough to make her agree to anything he suggested. Somebody like him minus the heartbreak. Exactly like him.


End file.
